


This Side Of Paradise

by JewelDragon



Category: TREASURE (Korea Band), YG Treasure Box (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Is this too melodramatic for a canon compliant idolverse fic? Maybe, Kissing, M/M, Making Out (Non-Explicit), May contain inaccuracies since I never watched YGTB, Set during YGTB but skips to predebut at the end, Songfic, Star/Space metaphors, Written between the hours of 12 to 5 am, and one river metaphor for some reason, do i care? no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29461269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewelDragon/pseuds/JewelDragon
Summary: Yedam has always wanted to be a star, a beacon to light up other people's dark nights. However, there's one drawback to being another's light: No one will be there to be his Polaris—or so he thinks.Enter Kim Doyoung. Distant at first, but bright and beautiful, a star just like him. They're both surrounded by dark loneliness on all sides, but maybe—just maybe, they can find their way through it with each other's shine.(Spoiler alert: They do)
Relationships: Bang Yedam/Kim Doyoung
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	This Side Of Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from This Side of Paradise by Coyote Theory
> 
> Special thanks to my dear friend Echo (@/ultsmx1193 on twt) for beta reading!

_ Ask me why my heart's inside my throat _

_ I've never been in love, I've been alone _

  


Yedam feels strange. Almost eight whole years of balancing school, training, and his second survival show without ever getting so choked—up like this, like his heart has crawled to his throat. It’s not like he would have died without company, he doesn’t need a clique of friends or some cliche teenage love story. His parents and a few of his mentors occasionally express concern over the fact that there are few people that could actually be considered his close friends, but he doesn’t see the issue. He keeps up enough of a social life to not drown in the combined responsibilities of being a top student and YG’s prodigy trainee. It really isn’t that big of a deal to him. 

  


At least, that’s what he tells them.

  


_ Feel like I've been living life asleep _

_ Love so strong it makes me feel so weak _

  


In reality, there’s a hollow inside his chest that gets scraped wider every time he watches the people around him, so bright in each other’s presence, so warm. He sees it the most prominently in his hyungs; the way Seunghun will cuddle up to Byounggon after a long day, the way Hyunsuk and Jihoon will bicker as a form of flirting, the way Yoshinori clings to Mashiho and Hyunsuk like a pair of lifelines: one leading back home and the other anchoring him to his new place, the way Junkyu and Mashiho so effortlessly clicked and bonded from early on, the way Jaehyuk so tenderly watches over Asahi. It’s not exactly painful, but there are times where he wishes he could have someone who could awaken his heart like that. The logical, goal—oriented side of him scoffs at their theatrics, finds them weak for swaying to their partners so easily, but the emotional side of him that he does his best to keep neatly tucked away is persistent, whispers to him in his sleep during dark and lonely nights:  _ How strong must their love be, then, to render their bodies so weak? _

  


_ Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?) _

_ Our fingers dancing when they meet _

  


“Are you lonely?” That seems to be a question he gets a lot, both from other people and from himself. He tries his best to answer, but what he finds only leads to more questions. In a general sense, no. He’s made enough friends to keep himself satisfied, and he’s close enough to them to be able to make deep conversations. One of said friends is even close enough to him that the line between friendship and something else is extremely blurred, yet he still yearns for  _ something _ . Something more, something different, he can’t quite tell. For now, he’s satisfied with his bond with Kim Doyoung. He treats him well, both as a hyung and a more—than—friend. Their attachment is so deep that they understand each other with just a single word or a glance, and they both have trouble envisioning a future without the other. Yedam doesn’t like thinking about that, determined to make it to the end with Doyoung’s hand in his, their fingers intertwined when they meet at the finish line for the last dance of this godforsaken show. It’s sappy, and maybe a little out—of—character for him, but as long as the cameras aren’t rolling, he can afford to have a little distraction.

  


Like how Doyoung has been acting a little off ever since he noticed his own strange feelings.

  


_ You seem so lonely (Are you lonely?) _

_ I'll be the only dream you seek _

  


His dear friend, the almost perpetual ray of sunshine in his life, has dimmed over the past few weeks. There’s hardly enough time to talk without a camera rolling these days and any slips of truly free time they have is spent either catching up on practice or rest, so a true heart—to—heart with him would be hard to come by. Still, he tries his best to help him, distract him from the rainclouds in his heart for a moment at least. A question in the form of a look from across the practice room, one that not even the keenest camera could pick up on:  _ “Are you lonely?” _ An answer in Doyoung’s uncharacteristically dark eyes, the way doesn’t smile even as his favourite song is blasting in the small practice room.  _ “Yes. Nightmares again,” _ they say. Perhaps a daydream in the form of Yedam’s presence could chase away the exhaustion they left behind. He dances his way across the room, holding out a hand for Doyoung to take.  _ “May I have this dance?” _ he wants to say, but the cameras are rolling and he doesn’t want to show any more than he has to. 

  


_ So if you're lonely, no need to show me _

_ If you're lonely come be lonely with me _

  


Doyoung gazes at him in confusion as he takes his hand, but no words are needed to explain as Yedam pulls him to his feet. They’ve gotten quite good at communicating without them while they’re living under the constant watch of cameras, and Yedam has enough experience that he’ll know what Doyoung is thinking without him even having to show it. Sometimes it’s hard to pretend that he doesn’t, which is a little hard when he’s cuddled up against Doyoung’s side and he can  _ feel _ how badly Doyoung wants to kiss him. He’s quick to push those thoughts away; now isn’t the time. As much as he yearns, this moment is for Doyoung alone. 

  


They’re both stars burning bright against the dark backdrop of their uncertain futures, but Doyoung is growing cold while Yedam is still warm and he fears that Doyoung might collapse in a silent heat death, so he pulls him into his orbit and sends off something of a solar flare to light him back up, dancing and jumping about so intensely that he’s sure the viewers will worry for him. He finds he doesn’t care as much as he should; it all pales in comparison to how much he just wants to see Doyoung smile like he means it again. If it takes going a little cold to keep him warm, then so be it.

  


After all, it’s better to be lonely with someone else than to be lonely alone, right?

_ Lonely (Are you lonely?) _

_ Passion is crashing as we speak _

  


He doesn’t have to wait long, catching the ghost of a smile on Doyoung’s lips as sneaks into his room a few days later. Yedam’s presence is unexpected but not unwelcome, if the way Doyoung lifts the covers for him to get in says anything. He’s quick to pull Doyoung into his embrace as soon as he’s comfortable, barely resisting the urge to press a kiss to his forehead in the process. He’s lonely, Yedam can tell, and it hurts his heart.

  


“What are you doing here, hyung?” Doyoung asks, a soft whisper that sends Yedam’s defenses crashing straight down. 

  


“I noticed you seemed a little off earlier today, I thought you could use some company,” Yedam murmurs, equally as soft and tinged with ten times more love. “If you want me to leave, I’ll go.” 

  


“No, don’t leave,” Doyoung whispers. His hand comes up to hold Yedam’s, oh—so—shyly guiding it to his waist and Yedam feels like he’s drowning, but it’s fine, the water’s warm anyway. “Hyung, I…” 

  


_ You seem so lonely (Are you lonely?) _

_ You're the ground my feet won't reach _

  


“...  _ I want you.” I know, I know, I know. _ Yedam can tell by the way Doyoung won’t meet his eyes, the way he bites the inside of his lip. Yedam is so, so tempted to lean in, kiss his sorrows away until the whole world has disappeared and it’s just the two of them. He could, and Doyoung wouldn’t resist him. He just has to take that one step, but neither of them are stable right now and taking any steps in this low gravity might mean their feet never touch the ground again. 

  


Space is dangerous. They can’t drift off now, not until they have a sound shuttle at least.

  


_ So if you're lonely _

_ Darling you're glowing _

_ If you're lonely, come be lonely with me _

  


“Sleep, Doyoung—ah. I’ll still be here in the morning.” He whispers, “Tell me then.” 

  


Doyoung hums and buries himself deeper in Yedam’s embrace, too tired to protest. Yedam waits and watches as he falls asleep, finally relaxing in his arms and content for the first time in weeks. He’s glad his heart no longer races in Doyoung’s presence, or else it would have taken much longer to see him glow like this again. 

  


That isn’t to say that Yedam no longer loves Doyoung, heavens no. It’s just that he’s grown past the infatuation that had collapsed the both of them when they had first met. Stars can be formed when molecular clouds collide with each other, sending shocked matter through said clouds and throwing off their thermodynamic equilibrium, triggering a collapse and the birth of a star cluster; and that’s how Yedam would describe their relationship. 

  


They had been content on their own in the beginning, until one fateful meeting sent them into a spiral of tension and intrigue. They had been storming inside during their every meeting, emotions crumbling and reforming as they drew each other into their gravities. Now, they shine together, bright against the dark backdrop of their futures. It does get a little lonely being on separate teams sometimes, but just being able to see each other or sneak off to the studio to compose and be alone together makes it bearable. 

  


_ Underneath the pale moonlight _

_ Dreaming of a circus life _

  


Yedam dreams that they’re dancing on the Han River that night. The moon, bright and tranquil, hangs low in the sky and provides a dance floor on the water for them; a pleasant break from the solar intensity of their mutual longing. Almost no words are exchanged, and the music they dance to is something he won’t remember upon waking, but that’s alright. All that matters is Doyoung smiling with that special sparkle in his eye that’s only for Yedam, leading him down the river with one hand in his and the other on his waist. 

  


A carnival appears by the riverside after a while, and maybe it doesn’t make sense, but then again, dreams are never really supposed to. 

  


_ Carousels and Ferris heights _

_ I'll be yours if you'll be mine _

  


Doyoung gives him a look and all of a sudden they’re in the carriage seat of a carousel running full speed ahead, fast enough that Yedam has to cling to Doyoung’s arm like the meek protagonist of a cliche romance drama, but it’s alright because Doyoung in his dream is laughing and holding him tight and the Doyoung in reality will never know what happens in Yedam’s dreams about him. 

  


Another look and three words that Yedam only hears in his dreams and they’re at the top of a ferris wheel with the moon smiling down at them. Doyoung looks so gorgeous like this, bathed in pale light and watching the river below them. He lets Yedam curl up against his side as usual, pressing a kiss to his head in that shameless way he always does. Something feels different about this dream as they sit in silence, building and building as they ascend to the top of the wheel. Doyoung seems unaffected, so Yedam doesn’t speak on it. Better to keep this dream quiet than turn it into a nightmare.

  


It stays silent until the very top of the wheel, where it comes creaking to a stop. There, Doyoung says the only words that Yedam will remember when he wakes up.

  


“Hyung, I want you to be mine.” God, of course Yedam would be, there’s no universe where he wouldn’t. Still, to protect his heart, there’s one condition.

  


“I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine in return. Will you?” 

  


_ Cause I'm lonely, I'm so lonely _

_ If you hold me, I'll be your only _

Yedam wakes up alone before he can get an answer. The sheets are still warm, and he wraps himself up in them to pretend like he had gotten one. Hmm, perhaps he’s lonelier than he first thought. Pondering his dream, a sudden burst of emotion catches him by surprise. All this time, all the hours in the studio, all the breakdowns on camera, all the soft words exchanged in darkness behind closed doors, even the few cheek kisses he had managed to push the limit of platonic for… He had already done everything needed for something to finally come out from this game of longing that they’ve been playing. Perhaps another collapse is needed, because Yedam’s star—shaped heart is growing heavy under the weight of his emotions and it’s going to break down into a supernova soon if they keep going like this. 

  


Maybe it won’t be so bad if he does. Neutron stars sometimes remain and glow on after novas, so maybe he could move on and set Doyoung free if Venus decides to spare him. However, it’s the other possibility that he fears. Black holes are indiscriminate in their destruction, sucking in everything and warping them beyond recognition or salvation on their way down to hell knows where. Yedam has always considered himself a calm, rational person, but if things go wrong enough that he breaks… He doesn’t want to think about it. 

  


_ Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?) _

_ Our fingers dancing when they meet _

The bed dipping behind him as Doyoung returns finally snaps him from his spiraling thoughts. He undoes Yedam’s cocoon of blankets to hold him properly, entwining his fingers with the hand that Yedam’s holding over his heart, warm and safe. Yedam could cry.

  


“Hyung, what’s wrong?” 

  


Oh. he already is. 

  


He can’t speak, scared that he’ll open his mouth and fifteen times the mass of the fucking planet earth’s worth of feelings are going to drop down on Doyoung, and he can’t do that to him. He just squeezes Doyoung’s hand a little tighter, hoping to convey the words that he can’t say. 

“... Are you lonely, hyung?”

  


_ You seem so lonely (Are you lonely?) _

_ I'll be the only dream you seek _

  


_ Yes. God, yes.  _ But that isn’t something he can say, not when Doyoung needs comfort more than him. He’ll keep Doyoung in his orbit, but only seek him out in his dreams. It’s better that way, safer for both of their hearts. 

  


Still, Doyoung is insistent, sighing softly and pulling Yedam's back flush against his chest. He's so warm it shakes Yedam to the core, his fragile heart threatening to crack under the proximity.  _ Please, stop… You can’t know how much I love you. I shouldn’t want you to love me back this badly... _

  


_ So if you're lonely, no need to show me _

_ If you're lonely, come be lonely with me _

  


"You don't have to say anything, it's okay. I know." Doyoung whispers, his thumb gently caressing the back of Yedam's hand. "You've always been there for me when I'm feeling down. It's my turn now." It’s everything that Yedam needs to hear, the spark that he needs if he wants to keep burning, yet it pains him just as much as if Doyoung had violently spurned him. He whimpers in pain and Doyoung hums in sympathy, pressing a kiss to the junction between his shoulder and neck. “I’m sorry it took me so long, hyung. I’ve been scared, but you’ve given me the courage to finally tell you, I… I’m in love with you, hyung. I’m so sorry it took you being hurt for me to quit being so complacent.” 

  


Yedam finally manages to breathe, ragged and stuttering. Every word, every little action that he had received from Doyoung since he had returned to him was a thundering rain cloud over the drought—ravaged riverbank of his heart that had been crumbling under the solar wrath of his yearning. Unaccustomed to the sudden rapids, his banks swell and burst, shattering the damn that had held back the tears he had been trying to stop. Doyoung holds him through the flood, whispering soft apologies and affirmations until he can calm down, let his love sink in and steady him. 

  


“No fair,” Yedam chokes out, “I’m supposed to be the one holding you together when you’re hurting.” 

  


“Not when you’re hurting more than me, hyung,” Doyoung murmurs. “I should have noticed sooner… Both your feelings and the way you’ve been falling apart for me.” He plays with Yedam’s hands as he speaks, melting him further. 

  


“I hoped you wouldn’t, to be honest. I didn’t mind being lonely as long as I can be there for you.” The way Yedam clings to Doyoung’s hands greatly contrasts his words, and Doyoung sighs.

  


“That’s a lie and you know it,” Doyoung grumbles, though his voice holds no venom. “From now on, if you’re lonely, you have to come be lonely with me, okay? I want to love you more than I do now, to make up for me hurting you.”

  


Maybe it’s cheesy, maybe it doesn’t exactly eliminate Yedam’s problems at the root, but god, it’s just so  _ Doyoung. _ The same Doyoung whose meteor showers of affection always seemed so distant and unattainable, but now have him bracing for impact. He always figured he would go down like Cassini, de—orbiting and confessing once he started to break down under his feelings and burning up in the atmosphere of Doyoung letting him down easily, but being knocked into romantic orbit by Doyoung’s own confession is decidedly much better. 

  


“Okay. Let’s be lonely together, then.”

  


_ Are you lonely? _

_ Passion is crashing as we speak _

  


Enduring this god—forsaken competition becomes a little easier with Doyoung's light by his side after that night, if not more high—stakes. They already hide their friendship from the cameras well, and a relationship is no different; if anything they hide so well that their fans worry there was a falling out. If only they knew how much time the two lonely souls spent together, crashing into each other after spending the day apart. It’s getting to the point where Yedam worries he’s being a bother, but Doyoung always welcomes his clinging. Admittedly he’s gotten better at handling distance between them now that there's no risk of getting separated, but his touch is still an anchor after the absolute hell they had gone through together. 

  


Like now, the night before their debut.

  


They’re in Yedam’s room this time, the door closed and locked against any knocking hyungs. Doyoung technically isn’t supposed to be here, but a pout and a few words about inspiration for a new song got him past Hyunsuk at the door easily. Yedam has half a mind to scold him for it, but Doyoung crashing onto his lips and lap easily extinguishes the words on the tip of his tongue. Like an asteroid getting dragged away from Earth by Jupiter, Yedam easily switches all his attention to Doyoung, his homework be damned. 

  


He hadn’t realized how much he had missed kissing Doyoung, the tension of weeks of being too tired from practice and schoolwork and TMap filming and his own solo debut for anything other than a lingering hug finally bleeding from his shoulders. He sighs and Doyoung tilts his head just so, and all of a sudden he’s reeling from the impact of all the passion he didn’t know he had been repressing.

  


_ You seem so lonely _

_ You're the ground my feet won't reach _

  


Doyoung smirks against his lips, pulling back with a purr of “I knew you missed me.” 

  


“S’lonely without you,” he huffs, meeting Doyoung’s self—satisfied grin with a half—lidded glare. He’s so close, Yedam can see the mini galaxies in his eyes.  _ As if he couldn’t get any more gorgeous…  _

  


Doyoung kisses him again before he can think of anything else, cupping his face and disconnecting them from gravity just like how Yedam had longed to do months ago. They had kissed before; quick meteor—like moments stolen during precious seconds of unsupervised free time—bright, but never long enough to truly capture and savor. This, however, is an aurora: languid, intense, vibrant, and utterly  _ breathtaking.  _ Funny how just a press of the lips and the occasional swipe of a tongue will have Yedam so dazed that he can’t feel his feet reach the ground, clinging to Doyoung to ground himself, but then again it’s  _ Doyoung _ , and Doyoung has impacted him in so many ways that their souls have become entwined, so there’s no use trying to resist.

  


_ So if you're lonely _

_ Darling you're glowing _

_ If you're lonely, come be lonely with me _

  


They have to separate for air eventually, though they stay close in each other’s orbits, close enough that they can still feel the heat from each other’s atmospheres. Yedam drops his head onto Doyoung’s shoulder, his chest heavy with the hollow that’s no longer there. He has to collect his thoughts before he can bear to look at Doyoung again, connect the dots to form the constellation that is the epiphany he had finally come to realize in the past week of missing him. He presses a kiss to Doyoung’s neck for good luck, not missing the way his breath hitches as he does.

  


“Doyoung—ah.” 

  


His pupils are blown wide when Yedam meets his gaze, glowing with anticipation and unadulterated  _ love _ at the call of his name. He’s so bright that Yedam nearly falters until he remembers that he would probably see that same glow if he looked in the mirror. 

  


“Damie—hyung?”

  


“You know, I’ve always loved thinking of myself as a star. Not just like an idol, but like a real star, up in space. My passion and dreams are my gravity, and it’s strong enough to generate my drive to be who I am now and improve that, my light and heat. I see everyone as stars, really, but you were one of the first to pull me into your orbit along with Hyunsuk—hyung and Jihoon—hyung. All of us, we’re orbiting around the same dream of debuting, our barycenter. You, though… We have our own, the one that I found the day I saw you leaning by yourself against the practice room wall. It was there the whole time, drawing us together. I think it was our shared loneliness, at first, but now it’s something different... ” Yedam pauses to lean forward and press his forehead against Doyoung’s so he’ll feel the weight of his next words. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m orbiting around how much I love you, Doyoung.” 

  


Doyoung is blinking back tears at this point, his breath shaky and coming in sobs. Yedam watches him swallow, watches the way his tongue darts out to wet his kiss—swollen lips before he speaks. 

  


“You don’t have to be lonely anymore, hyung. You’ve been there for me at my worst, and I promised I’d be there for yours. I know it took me a long time, and I should have loved you more than I did when I realized—” 

“You didn’t—”

  


“—but now I finally understand. I know what true love is, and it’s the gravity that pulled me in, it’s the way you still keep shining even when your light is flickering and any normal person would have blown out by then. It’s the way you look at me when no one else is looking, the way you can never get your hands off me whenever I’m within reach. You may be orbiting around your love, but I’m getting bombarded by mine. Now I know how the moon felt, constantly getting hit by asteroids.”

  


A moment of silence passes between the two, the calm after a pair of supernovas. Twin neutron stars are left in their wake, tears streaming down their faces as they return to Earth, back down to two boys in YG’s idol dorms, one in the other’s lap. Yedam recovers first, pulling Doyoung the rest of the way down with a kiss. They both smile against each other’s lips, still exhilarated from their confessions. The exhaustion will catch up to them soon, but Yedam still has one last question.

  


“Be my boy, Doyoung?” 

  


“Only if you’ll be mine.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I've had this in the works since about last year but I decided now would be a great time to post, I figured I'd give the tag some love on this day. Comments and kudos are very much appreciated, and you can find me on Twitter at @/Bad_Alives and CuriousCat at @/Dragons_Den, thank you again!


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